Secrets

for at least two years now I've known a secret, one I wasn't supposed to find out, but I did anyway, my parents weren't clean enough, they weren't even close to being able to hide all their tracks. Anyway. One night my mum and I had gone to a friend's house, my mum had consumed a little too much wine. she drove home anyway, much to my distaste. it wasn't that late, 9 or 10 pm. At the time we were renovating our house so our bathroom was outside. I went out there to do my teeth and I saw my mum speed walking down to the outdoor chairs on the grass, I thought it was a bit weird, and when I walked past again on my way back inside I walked past the outdoor chairs. (it was dark she couldn't see me, and I could barely see her.) I saw her holding something up to her mouth and lighting it, I knew it was a cigarette straight away but I didn't want to believe it, I had always grown up thinking my parents hated smoking, and though they were 100% against it. I remember a few years before this mum saying something about a smoking ad, "See how bad it gets when you smoke?" I don't know how I remember that. but anyway I didn't want to believe mum smoked so in the morning I woke up early and walked down to the outdoor chairs on the lawn, I lifted the pillow of the chair I saw her sitting on, and I found a pack of smokes and a lighter, and rolling papers. I didn't want to move them, I was in total shock so I ran back inside and lay in bed for a while. since then I have looked through old photos of my parents, in my room so they wouldn't know I had found out, I saw photos of both of them, cigarette in hand. I've seen packs of them hidden in the car draws and stashed in toiletry bags. I don't know if I will ever truly forgive them. and I know I will never be able to tell them, I don't have the guts for that. I've never told anyone that, not even ruby.